


L.A. Devotee

by a_dreamer_undercover



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cute Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, Heartwarming, Modern Setting Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Teenage Clexa, california au, no smut is planned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-08 04:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17974079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_dreamer_undercover/pseuds/a_dreamer_undercover
Summary: This year has changed the life of young Clarke. She lost her father, got to move to her mother in LA, started new school, and even made a friend. Well, not exactly a friend... She started to receive the enigmatic letters from someone who was hiding behind the mysterious name "L.A." and who seemed to care about her.





	1. The one where Clarke's moving to LA

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the journey, my dear reader. The story i want to tell you doesn't have a happy beginning, but it can and it will get better despite all the obstacles. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as i did while writing it. Your thoughts are important for me, so if you want to write something, then go for it!  
> And now finally let this story begin...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke comes to LA after the death of her father and now she has to figure out how to live with the person who left her when she was a child.

Some may say that the registration for flight New York – Los Angeles on 25th of April 2019 was fateful for Clarke Griffin when in her own opinion it was a flight with the same destination on 16th of January 2014. 

_Young woman was standing in front of a blond little girl in the endless crowdedness of airport. They both had tears in their eyes. The only one who wasn’t crying was the man who placed his hands on his daughter’s shoulders while she was holding her school backpack staring at the torn handle only not to look at the mother before the long time that they were going to spend apart from each other._  
_“Clarke, baby, look at me,” the woman asked the girl, but she stubbornly looked away avoiding an eye contact. People were often saying that she was as stubborn as her mother._  
_“Clarke,” the man asked quietly and the girl obeyed._  
_She looked up on her mother with the innocent blue eyes and the woman sighed coughing like there was no air anymore._  
_“Check-in for the flight New York – Los Angeles starts now,” a mechanical voice said and the woman realized she had to hurry up with this farewell._  
_“You may visit me whenever you want, Clarke,”- she proposed with a hope in her voice. “I’m still your mother and I will never stop being her.”_  
_The girl sniffed but continued looking at her mother like she was waiting for her to finally be gone because 11-year-old Clarke knew there was nothing on Earth that could stop her mother from pursuing her carrier. Realizing that she wouldn’t receive any answer the woman looked at her ex-husband who was standing behind their daughter._  
_“I love you,” she said that like it was much harder to say those words than to accept a job in another state.  
That was the last words that Abigail Griffin has said to Jake Griffin. She left their lives at the moment she turned her back and headed to the check-in desk. Clarke sniffed only once and went with her dad to the airport exit holding his hand. She knew he would never leave her._

“Check-in for the flight New York – Los Angeles starts now,” the mechanical voice sounded like the memory from the past.  
Blond girl in boyfriend jeans, gray tee and jacket was heading to the desk holding her suitcase with wheels behind. Her lips were pursed and there was nothing to read in her blue eyes. After the check-in she was sitting in the waiting room and declining her aunt’s calls. Her aunt was a middle-aged woman who was sincerely worried about her whereas Clarke herself didn’t want to talk to anybody. The girl promised herself that she would call her aunt right before the boarding not to be so selfish and also to be able to finish the conversation right at the moment when it would go wrong. You’d think what could go wrong while a conversation with your own aunt? The fact that Sara had lost her brother as well as Clarke had lost her dad apparently was making things worse because the aunt had this tendency to grieve openly and say sorry to the girl who was trying not to go crazy for more than a week.  
Music in earphones was interrupted by the incoming call that Griffin was already prepared to decline, but right on the screen appeared the word that the girl hadn’t said out loud for more than five years. Mom. Of course Clarke knew she would meet her in a couple of hours, but the way Abigail appeared in her life again was sudden. She hesitantly received the call and held the phone to her ear.  
“Hello, Clarke,” the voice of her mother gave the blond girl chills down the back.  
“Hi,” she answered timidly cursing herself for weakness.  
“I’m glad to hear your voice,” they hadn’t been speaking for five and a half years, but Clarke was sure her mother was smiling at that moment.  
“Where will you meet me?” instead of the small talks that were burning her throat the girl wanted to get away from this conversation as soon as possible.  
“Next to the exit,” the woman’s voice faded because of her daughter’s tone. There was no friendliness as some seconds ago.  
“Okay, bye,” Clarke finished the phone call before she could hear Abby’s words.  
Thoughts were trying to conquer her mind whereas the girl was hiding in the shelter made of music. Her playlist was full of the songs she found some days ago after she had realized that the music from her past life was bringing back the thoughts and memories she didn’t want to be in her mind because they were causing pain. But the cost of no feelings was too high because there also was no pleasure in listening to music anymore. Her new playlist was awful in comparison with the old one. None of those songs produced any emotions, but she continued persuading herself that she didn’t need them at all. Because at the time she could experience them, she could have finally told herself that her dad was dead. Recently she had frequently heard people saying that Jake Griffin was dead or that her father was dead. However until she heard the phrase “my dad is dead” she couldn’t accept it. That was the way she had programmed herself and yet she was satisfied with the result.  
The next song which lyrics the blond girl wasn’t even listening was interrupted by the mechanical voice announcing the start of the boarding. The girl pulled off the earphones, called her aunt to say the only one phrase “I’m okay and the boarding has started” and headed to the gate holding the backpack by one strap on her shoulder. It wasn’t the same backpack that she was holding saying goodbye to her mother in the airport when she was eleven. It was the backpack she was holding saying goodbye to her father in the cemetery when she was sixteen.

This flight wasn’t any different from sitting in the waiting room. The same boring music was playing in her head changing thoughts on emptiness. The only differences were in elevation above the sea level, sights in windows, and a cup of coffee that was standing untouched in front of the girl. She didn’t like the taste of instant coffee that always was in planes, but after an hour of flight her throat was dry and she felt too uncomfortable to ask for a glass of water when there already was a drink in front of her. When it was about 20 minutes until the landing, sights have changed. Passengers were able to see the shining blue ocean that had to be warm and friendly and also the cup in front of Clarke disappeared. The girl glanced at the ocean for a second, but she couldn’t understand why her mother had traded their family for Los Angeles. Maybe it wasn’t mostly about the job, but about the affable ocean and always hot sunny rays that made you feel free. However Clarke knew from her own experience that you can reach the freedom only when you lose everything.

Half an hour after the landing Clarke had already received her luggage and was heading to the exit. All around her tanned people in same ridiculous clothes were fussing around. She had a feeling that people forgot that Los Angeles was a city and not a gigantic beach, but nobody cared. When she left the building, understanding hit her in the face with a wave of dry hot air. It was about 73 degrees Fahrenheit and she felt highly uncomfortable in her jacket in the very first seconds of being outside. She looked around trying to find her mother although she didn’t even imagine how Abigail looked like after all those years. A woman in the summer dress interrupted the girl’s lazy sightseeing tour coming to Clarke with a clumsy smile. Clarke already wanted to say that she didn’t know how to go anywhere and it’s her first time in LA too when the woman started to talk before Griffin could open her mouth.  
“I’m glad to see you, Clarke,” the voice sounded so familiar and so far away in the past. “How was your flight?”  
“Mom?” the girl was so shocked that she didn’t even notice this word coming from her mouth. “You look good.”  
She had to fix the situation so Abby wouldn’t have a thought that something was wrong because actually everything was wrong and they both knew that. However there was no lie – her mother honestly looked amazing as there weren’t those five years for her. Nevertheless Clarke saw a woman in front of her who had been living a different life, not the life of her mother. This woman’s hair was soaked with the hot air, the skin was tanned and smooth, but the emotions on her face couldn’t be read. Maybe the girl couldn’t read them only because she didn’t know her mother that well anymore to do so.  
“Thank you,” Abby smiled to her daughter. “You have grown up and look so pretty now, Clarke.”  
Her own name said by her mother felt like a blow to Clarke and she suddenly decided to strike back.  
“I’ve been told to resemble my father,” she said indifferently noticing with satisfaction her mother’s deep sigh.  
“Yes,” the woman said quietly nodding and extended a hand to the Clarke’s suitcase. “Let’s go it’s getting hot in here.”  
Griffin declined the woman’s help and handled the luggage herself when they were heading to the parking lot. Clarke had never thought that her mother would drive a car, but it took her not that long to realize that Abby is a single career woman and having her own car is essential for her.  
They placed Clarke’s suitcase in the trunk and took off. For the young girl it was her first Los Angeles trip, kind of a little sightseeing tour. However there wasn’t any interest or curiosity to be read in the blue eyes. She was listening to those stupid songs all the way and looking at barely dressed people who could be guessed as occupants of the city of angels by the feeling of freedom they were radiating with all those smiles, gestures, and walks, and by how harmonically their tanned skin and blond hair dry from ocean salt matched with colourful shorts and tees. 

Her mother’s new house surprised Clarke less than her car and driving skills that were missing among Abigail from the past. The woman lived not in LA, but in Santa Monica and Clarke already liked that there wasn’t as noisy as in some crowded districts they had been driving by. Actually Griffin liked a peaceful lifestyle, therefore she was glad by her mother’s choice of the house – it was a small bungalow that wasn’t too fancy and didn’t stand out in the line of the neighborhood houses. However as soon as Clarke got out of the car she felt alien. Bright sun, southern trees, sand that was absolutely everywhere, so the girl was sure when Californians rub their eyes in the morning they see the sand falling from the corners of the eyes.  
Neither Clarke nor Abigail said a word during the car trip and the short walk home. The blond girl took her suitcase from the trunk and followed her mother to the house entrance looking around while walking. Abby had a small front yard, but it was obvious that she hadn’t enough time to take care of it because of how infrequent was the grass. It seemed that the woman who lived there was a busy one and Clarke couldn’t complain due to the thought that it would hurt her to see her mother having a nice cozy house and maybe even other people living there. It could be that Clarke didn’t want her mother to be happy after all those things Clarke blamed her in.  
“Your room is the last down the corridor,” the woman gestured with her hand when they finally were in the house.  
The girl dragged the luggage in the house that didn’t seem so new and untouched as it seemed outside – the smell of coffee and molecules of heavy Californian air were everywhere. There weren’t any pictures hanging on the walls like Abigail had nothing she would want to look at every day or she just didn’t spend enough time at home. When they walked in the living room that was in the same room as the kitchen the girl spotted a photo in the frame that was standing on the coffee table. Curiosity got the best of the blond girl and she came closer to see the faces in the picture. Once her look caught the father’s smile and then her own one she froze feeling how heavy suddenly became her chest. The girl didn’t notice how her eyes filled with tears and a lump stuck in the throat. She tried to swallow it, but it wasn’t successful. Then a painful whimper came from the bottom of her heart, from the bottom of her suffering soul, like the girl was unknowingly crying for help. Doing her best Clarke pulled her eyes away from the father’s face that she already missed so much and turned around to make sure she hadn’t been heard. Surely she didn’t care about her mother seeing her weakness. She just didn’t want to discuss it with her. She knew that day would come sooner or later she only hoped it would be later.  
“Clarke,” the woman called her daughter and the girl realized that her mother was talking on the phone in the hall all this time. “I need to be at work in half an hour. I took a day off, but science doesn’t care,” she grinned with a sorry look in her eyes. It seemed that he hoped Clarke would do the same, but the girl still looked distant. “Anyway, you unpack your things and make yourself at home I’ll come back as soon as I can.”  
Realizing that she wouldn’t receive even a small nod Abby took her bag and left the house. Griffin heard the sound of the car starting and then driving her mother away in an unknown direction. Being alone worked for the girl since she wanted to have a rest and calm down her mind that had a bunch of annoying thoughts about the stuff her mother had at home and what it could tell about her life. However Clarke didn’t want to explore her new house like some kind of a spy, so she headed to her room to change the clothes to the lighter ones so she could finally stand against this damn heat. 

It was getting dark and Abby still hadn’t come back yet. Clarke wasn’t worried about her she only was hungry and there was no food nor keys at this house. Maybe her mother had planned to poison her with instant noodles that were the only food in the kitchen besides coffee or maybe she didn’t want her daughter to escape, but where would Clarke go in that case? Anyway it all could have been possible. The blond girl in home shorts and tee was lying on the bed with soft golden blanket. She couldn’t complain about her new room interior even if she wanted to – the walls in light colours were making the room look bigger and more specious, a big window with a soft seat and a couple of pillows was radiating cozy vibes. The girl’s suitcase was lying opened in the corner and she had already placed some clothes from there in the closet. The time Clarke heard the sound of the main door being opened she was looking at the ceiling trying to make her stomach stop making this terrible noise of hunger. As soon as she heard the rustling of supermarket bags she stood up and went to the kitchen where her mother was already dealing with all the goods she had bought.  
“You already feel at home?” Abby softly smiled to Clarke looking at her clothes.  
“Kinda,” Clarke answered shrugging her shoulders and sat on the counter watching her mother’s hands pulling out the food from the bag.  
“I’m going to cook pasta for dinner, do you mind?” Abigail asked that question like she didn’t know the answer herself. She obviously couldn’t know though.  
“No, I don’t mind,” she said that and her stomach confirmed with its own language that everybody understood surprisingly well and it even made her mother smile again.  
“Alright, would you help me?” That question made Clarke freeze up. Of course she would never refuse to help out in the kitchen, but cooking pasta with your mother who left you five years ago for some job was just crazy. She strained and jumped off the counter.  
“Nah, I’m tired,” Clarke cut it short and went to her new room before she could hear her mother’s sigh of pain and see how desperately the woman leaned over the bag trying to stop the tears from falling.

“I enrolled you in Santa Monica High School,” Abby said breaking the silence during the dinner.  
Clarke wasn’t surprised at all. She understood that nobody would give her freedom even though she already had left her hometown and wouldn’t come back there at least until the age of majority or maybe even until the end of her life because she just couldn’t imagine Brooklyn and a whole New York without Jake Griffin in it. Hometown without her father was foreign like any other one in this world. There was no home anymore, but she thought that way was even better because she had nothing to lose.  
“Sara sent me your report card,” the woman continued like Clarke was interested in it when really she didn’t. “You do so good that as soon the principal saw your grades he approved your transition even without personal interview. And in fact it’s the best school in Santa Monica.”  
Griffin worked hard for her grades indeed especially when it was about science. Perhaps it was caused by Abby’s genes because Clarke was successful at chemistry and biology like her mother listening and learning things during the classes while her classmates were trying to disappear into their desks. However the girl believed that her mother’s career was the main thing that convinced the principal to take Clarke in that school. It was obvious for her because she knew that Abigail was working for some scientific organization generously sponsored by the government. She also earned a lot of money although the lifestyle couldn’t show the real numbers owing to the cheap furniture and food that wasn’t so fancy. That job that was the reason her mother left the family remained the most mystery puzzle Clarke had ever faced and it also became the part of her life.  
“Clarke?” Abigail pulled her daughter from the thoughts calling her. “I was talking you are signed in the science class. You will choose the subjects’ hours after tomorrow when we go to the school.”  
The woman didn’t look irritated, just tired. She waited for Clarke to nod and then collected the dishes and started to wash them while the girl was finishing her cup of tea. If it had been a daytime, Griffin would have never even touch her favourite drink because of the heat, but it was already a late evening and lemon tea was like a cozy bed for her soul. The woman finished the dishes and went to her room wishing good night to her daughter who didn’t say a word. It was their first day together in five years and Clarke would’ve lied to herself if she thought that their relationship started to rehabilitate. No, the canyon between two closest blood relatives was too deep and didn’t hurry to close up. They had to live together and Clarke was okay with that since she had food, roof over her head and even an official guardian who could spend money on her when she needed it.  
Despite the fact that thinking about something while looking at the dark street in the window was pleasant for the first time in the last ten days the girl needed to go to her room and sleep after the long and full day that changed her life again. She only had a few ordinary days until the next fateful one and she got to get used to that damn sand.


	2. The one where Clarke’s making new friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke starts a new school after a short break. In one of the first days she receives a mysterious note that was written by the unknown who shares a name with the city they are in.

Usually all the students wait for the next summer to begin no matter what they are going to do – binge watching Netflix or surfing all summer long. Nobody wants to study when all the thoughts are about those hot days and breezy nights that you can spend doing whatever you want and being completely happy with the adventures you are having. Even Clarke had lost her thirst for knowledge and life at large. The first few days in California she was spending at her mother’s house alone while the woman was working. She was outside only twice – the first time when they had the trip from the airport to the house and the second one was on 27th of April when Clarke had a meeting with the principal of her new school. The principal wanted to talk to Clarke about her studying at the previous school, but he didn’t receive much information from the girl. She kept quiet and since he knew her family situation he tried not to pressure on her. His prudence only made Clarke disgusted. She wanted to be treated like equal and people being too cautious to say a word to her made her sick. However, the meeting was not that bad in general and since Monday Clarke “could” (she hated the word the principal used like he was expecting her to cry her eyes out every second) attend the classes with chemistry and biology as the main courses she had chosen. The thought of learning new things didn’t make her excited as it would do to old Clarke. She didn’t feel anything, she didn’t care about anything and the walls she had built were that strong that she forgot how she felt without them.  
Abigail suggested a few times having a walk around the town, going to the beach or meeting new people, but Griffin didn’t want to leave her new place. She wanted to hide from the world of people that was so cold and also so disingenuous in saying all those sorry. They were sorry the same way about everything – “I’m sorry I spilled this coffee on you”, “I’m sorry you failed this test”, “I’m sorry your father died”. No difference in intonation. Sometimes those phrases had “sincerely” in them, but a small word used in official letters didn’t mean what it was supposed to mean in the first place. People were selfish as all the living creatures our planet was full of and all the stories about altruism were just myths and fairy tales for children to make them believe in it and then get disappointed when they finally got to know the truth. Clarke didn’t hate people, the lies and the selfishness was in every human being’s DNA. Therefore she didn’t trust anyone, didn’t believe in anything but science and the laws of nature and didn’t want to make any contact with society. She knew what those teenagers her mother wanted her to talk to were like. They all had the same problems with their safe and sound parents who cared about them. “My mom made me tidy my room yesterday I hate her so much.” “My dad hasn’t bought me a car for my 16th birthday what a freak.” “I hate my parents they caught me drunk last night and now I’m grounded.” She couldn’t stand all those stupid problems. The thing that disgusted her the most was the anger in their eyes when those teens were talking about it. Like they really hated the people who loved them and who cared about them so much that they were doing everything to keep their kids safe even though it meant that their children would say mean things to them and the most importantly they would _think_ the mean things. Of course Clarke couldn’t see that she herself was treating her own mother like one of those kids. Abigail was spending days at work and they were seeing each other only during the dinner. The woman tried to talk to her daughter about the girl’s day, but Clarke ignored her or answered something like “binge watched Netflix all day” and only then ignored all the following questions. Abby never insisted on getting more information and continued dinner in silence. Clarke was selfish like all the people and she didn’t want to change anything. It wasn’t painful to do nothing and in her opinion Abigail didn’t deserve to have a decent relationship with her daughter after everything she had done to Griffins family. Abby was patient and she was giving her daughter all the time and space she needed to recover after the tragedy. 

 

Clarke was lying in her bed with matted blonde hair covering her face. She was looking as relaxed as nobody had seen her when she was awake. A soft pillow was in her arms like in some kind of tight cuddle and Abby who was watching her daughter in the pose like that sighed. Clarke wanted to be taken care of so desperately and at the same time she didn’t trust anybody and didn’t let anyone in her personal space. It kept the woman worried no matter how capricious and selfish Clarke was being for the last few days. Abigail forgave everything that Griffin had said or done and she was prepared for worse. She had all the mercy for her daughter and couldn’t even hope for a mercy back. The woman knew that what she had done just couldn’t ever be forgiven and it was the burden she had decided to carry for the rest of her life. She only hoped that Clarke would find someone to trust to, to be the person she would let to protect her, to be the one to finally hold her and let her cry all the pain that this young girl carried inside.  
“Clarke,” the woman gently touched the fragile naked shoulder. “Clarke, wake up.”  
After a few second Abby finally heard the unfriendly mumbling and the blue eyes reluctantly opened. It could’ve been read in the confused look on the girl’s face that she didn’t understand why she had been woken up at such early hour.  
“Today is your first day at school and it wouldn’t be so good to be late,” Abby gave her a soft smile and came to the window to open the curtains.  
Once the sun rays lighted the whole room up and fell on Clarke’s face, she scronched her nose in adorable and still a bit sleepy way. The night sleep was running away from her too fast that it couldn’t be caught anymore and the only thing left was to get over it and start getting ready.  
“I’ll make us a breakfast,” the woman said enthusiastically heading to the kitchen. It seemed that she liked cooking although the frequent cook at their old house was Clarke’s father.  
The morning when sleepy Clarke was quickly getting ready for school and having eggs and bacon with her mother for breakfast felt like a usual family morning. Of course if they had been a family, this family would have been problematic, but it was already something better than nothing for sure.  
After the short breakfast both women were ready to go. Griffin was even a little bit excited for the first time after Jake’s death although the feelings didn’t last long. Her body was producing those emotions only in the morning rush and once she got in the car her worries disappeared. The indifferent blue eyes were looking in the window during the trip and the music in her earphones was as meaningless as it was the last time she was listening to it. It used to help Clarke get rid of the thoughts in her head when she just got in LA, but now she didn’t want to hide behind the walls from herself anymore. She knew that the longer she had ignored her thoughts, the more painful it would’ve been to bear them when the walls had finally been broken. Therefore it was better to face them one at a time and the first thought appeared to be about the school. She had to face it very soon anyway.  
Despite getting stuck in every traffic jam in Santa Monica, Abigail drove her daughter to the school 10 minutes before the start. Ignoring her mother wishing good luck Clarke got out of the car and headed to the main entrance as all the students did. She was lucky to have her first day on Monday because students were too busy talking about their weekends and didn’t care about a new junior girl. It seemed so at least. While the teens were fooling around, laughing and making dramas right before the first period the bleak blonde girl was trying to find the classroom ignoring the life around her.

 

The first day at school was the same as following two – Griffin involuntarily got up, ate the breakfast her mother had cooked, got ready for school and was driven there by Abigail. Studying at Santa Monica High was way different from her previous school. Maybe that was because of the teacher’s condescending attitude obviously caused by her family situation. The students were being neutral to her – some deliberately avoided a gloomy newbie, some didn’t even notice her presence and swept the girl off her feet several times a day. During the first three days Clarke didn’t even have a chance to show the teachers what she was worth, but they already were convinced that she was a talented student. She was annoyed by the way they treated her not even knowing who she really was. It was in her character to achieve the goals by herself and goodwill of her teachers included.  
The middle of the first week in Santa Monica High had started with a casual morning. The blonde girl was standing near the chemistry classroom and reading a student book. Although there was nothing unusual in her actions, she attracted someone’s attention. It started with a gut feeling that she was spied on, but when she raised her head and looked around there was no one to stalk her – the teens were passing by, some of them stopped next to the other classrooms and leaned on the wall looking through the pages of their books or the screens of the smartphones. Some already were standing there since the break had started. Most of them were nerd-looking boys and girls who attended the same science classes as Clarke, but also there was a girl with long brown hair in a messy, but still pretty bun who she had never seen before. The girl had high-waisted shorts and a tee with some Spanish words on it. Clarke had never been good at languages, so she couldn’t translate any words in a language different from English and she didn’t even know why she cared about it this time. What was that special about the tee or some random girl? Maybe this girl just didn’t look like she was into chemistry and that’s why it felt so strange. She actually looked different from science kids, even the way she was standing leaning on the wall wasn’t nerdy at all. She just didn’t fit in this part of the school where only science classes were. “Well, don’t judge a book by its cover,” her first teacher’s voice in Clarke’s mind interrupted her thoughts and she decided that the lady was right. The school bell rang and Clarke entered the chemistry classroom where she had a class with Mr. Jackson. The girl she saw in a hallway didn’t come in, therefore Clarke considered that she had a class in another classroom and this puzzle was solved. She forgot about the unknown girl and wouldn’t remember her for a long time if the fortune hadn’t been so quirky.  
It was the time when she got to learn her favourite subject and Mr. Jackson had already started writing the elements on the white board. Clarke loved chemistry since the early age. Her first experiments were made when she was only 7 years old. Mom made a present to her little daughter – a young chemist’s kit. The girl was so happy that she had spent all the nights and days playing with colourful chemicals and test-tubes and imagining herself the real grown-up scientist, the only one she had ever met – her own mother Abigail Griffin. Clarke always had respect for her mother, even after her parents separated and Abigail left them. She knew that being a selfish shit doesn’t stop her mother from being an excellent scientist. And Clarke believed that the woman was that good at her job, otherwise she wouldn’t have had that influence on people.  
After the class Clarke headed to her locker to change the chemistry book on history one. Once she opened the locker’s door she saw a small piece of paper on the books. The paper was folded in two not to be read so fast obviously. The girl put her books in the locker and unfolded the paper to see what it meant. Her heartbeat went faster that was so unusual in past time. There was a text written by someone with some kind of an adorable handwriting:  
  
“ _You know, they say that a smile can save one life, but I’d like to think that it saves a soul._  
_Welcome to Santa Monica High,_  
_L. A._ ”  
  
Clarke reread the note one more time trying to understand the meaning and intentions of the person who had written it. Was it a taunt or words of support? Griffin was totally okay with neutrality, she didn’t want to break the balance and get closer to one of the poles. The school bell made the girl realize that she had spent too much time thinking about this note, so she grabbed the history book, placed the note inside it and ran to the classroom through the half-empty hallway.  
During the whole lesson she couldn’t stop looking through the note holding the piece of paper in her hands that already was a little bit wrinkled. L. A. … Who could welcome her under the name of the city they were in? Or was it a metaphor the meaning of which Clarke couldn’t even guess?  
Her reflections were in vain – every time she was going around in circles facing the one blind spot of not knowing the true meaning of those two letters. 

 

The next day she received a new note that a little bit clarified the intentions of mysterious L. A.:  
  
“ _I don’t know what happened to you that caused your sadness and you look cute even when you scowl, but I bet a smile suits you better._  
_L. A._ ”  
  
Clarke folded the note right after she read it and looked around. Whoever this L. A. was, they weren’t showing any aggression to Clarke and it definitely seemed like some kind of support. Why couldn’t this person just talk to her in person? It didn’t feel wrong either though. Those notes made Clarke feel like she wasn’t alone and she didn’t care if it was just someone’s prank. She admitted that she was lonely and if those notes were going to be regular, then it would’ve been her personal puzzle that she would’ve liked to solve.


	3. The one with Clarke's birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's seventeenth birthday is going not the way she wanted it to. Instead of the fun camping the dark truth about her mother's personal life is getting revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all your comments and here's a new chapter for you that I was writting half the night to deliver it to you as a small, but emotional present. Happy Women's Day and don't forget how strong and important you are. Hope you enjoy the chapter.

Notes appeared in her locker every day and Clarke even got used to it. She knew that during one of the breaks she would find a new piece of someone’s ingenious puzzle and then she could analyze it trying to see the whole picture while a teacher was explaining some boring lesson. However it didn’t get easier with every new note because L. A. was supporting Clarke and motivating on continuing living her life and wasn’t saying a word about their own personal life, therefore after all those days and weeks Clarke still hadn’t got even a small hint on L. A.’s identity. After all L. A. became a personal adviser for Clarke, so she didn’t think of them as a real living breathing person anymore, all that left was just an abstract idea of a friend. It didn’t mean that she wasn’t interested in receiving those notes anymore. No, she was excited to read what special L. A. had spotted that time and what did they said about it.  
In the morning of the 21st of May Clarke got up a little bit earlier than the time her mother usually woke her up. Nothing had changed in their relationships during those weeks and maybe that was because they didn’t really see each other and after school and work they both were too irritated to simply chat, so they wisely avoided any conversations. They actually were pretty successful at living together and Griffin had already used to her new house and cozy room. That morning she was sitting on the windowsill watching the early sun rays waking up every living creature in California from the flowers in the neighborhood garden to the sleepy dog owners. Birds were taking seats on the tree branches singing their songs like ones from the Disney movies and people were opening their windows wide open to let some fresh air in stifling after the night rooms. Clarke leaned her cheek on the window watching the life behind the glass and thinking that she hadn’t pictured that day like that before. She had planned a camping trip with her dad. They were supposed to be driving in the national park the moment Clarke was sitting in her room in California. They would’ve enjoyed the crispy air while walking in the forest and then they would’ve found a lake and her father would’ve jumped right in the freezing water that hadn’t warmed up yet. And it was just a dream that would never come true when her dad wasn’t next to her anymore. Instead of the camping trip Clarke was waiting for her mother to get up and especially she was waiting for that day to start, so Clarke would’ve found a new note from L. A. in her locker. Surely her invisible friend couldn’t have known what that day was for Griffin, but it wasn’t important after all. Clarke only liked how wise and at the same time nice L. A. seemed to be.  
Thinking of the notes Clarke jumped off the windowsill and got all 13 notes she had received from L. A. from the very first one that appeared in her locker on the 2nd of May and to the last one she had received yesterday. 

“ _Whatever it is behind your sadness it doesn’t have to be strong enough to ruin you. I believe you’re stronger._  
_L. A._ ”

That note Griffin had received on 14th of May, just a week ago. It had changed something in Clarke and got her thinking if she really should’ve stopped playing the victim when it already had been too late to mourn. Then it was the time to learn how to go on living especially because her life was just starting. 

“ _I knew your smile was beautiful, Clarke._  
_L. A._ ”

It was the trickiest note L. A. had ever written to her. Clarke didn’t know if it was caused by L. A. calling her Clarke for the first time or complimenting her smile for the who-knows-which time, but she actually had smiled reading that note. She had smiled looking at the piece of paper in her hands and feeling so stupid and so happy and she even had tried to hide those feelings like anybody at school cared. Well she cared. It was the first time when she had felt so real and alive that even the paper in her hands had seemed alive at that moment to her and she hadn’t even been paying attention to the teenagers passing by and making all that noise that you could hear in every public place and that Clarke couldn’t have heard for the moment she had been reading the note and smiling. The same reaction she had that morning when she unfolded the note she pulled out from the table drawer. She smiled looking at L. A.’s handwriting despite the awareness of being melodramatic.  
The door lightly creaked and Clarke hid the notes under the nearest notebook like her mother would’ve tried to read them. Actually there wasn’t only Abigail who had Clarke worried; she wanted to keep the notes private so she wouldn’t have had to share L. A. with anyone on this planet. Only thanks to them, the unknown unidentified friend, Clarke got better and she even remembered how to wait for something good to happen for sure and not to be afraid that it would happen.  
“You’re up?” the mother’s voice sounded quiet and the girl looked around.  
“Yeah, I haven’t slept well,” Clarke shrugged her shoulder looking at Abby who seemed somehow mysterious.  
“You could’ve slept longer today,” Abigail faced the confused look on her daughter’s face and continued. “Um, I know how much you love sleeping till the lunch and today in regard of your birthday I told the principal you won’t be coming, so that’s why you didn’t have to get up so early.”  
It would’ve been the greatest news for every student on Earth and however Clarke felt disappointment. She didn’t know if it was about her mother being sure that she knew what Clarke loved after all those years of being away or if it was about skipping school and most importantly not receiving a new note. After all those thoughts she came up with the only one phrase.  
“You could’ve said earlier,” after saying it Clarke felt the awkwardness between them.  
“I thought we could’ve gone to some restaurant today. Seventeenth birthday is a big thing, don’t you think so?” Abigail tried to stop the tension smiling like there was no awkwardness at all. “There’s a good sushi restaurant near the beach if you don’t mind.”  
Clarke wasn’t expecting anything that year and her mother’s suggestion made her freeze. Surely she didn’t mind the tasty food and Japanese cuisine was one of her favourite, but spending a day with her mother seemed more like a challenge than a birthday. They hadn’t had a fine conversation so far and sitting in a public place in silence would’ve been too weird. However she already had a free day from school and no plans, so there weren’t many choices.  
“Why not,” she said causing a smile on her mother’s face.  
“Great! Have a rest while I’m booking the table for two at twelve,” Abigail turned around looking pretty excited and left the room closing the door behind her.  
Clarke was left alone with the notes from L.A. and her own thoughts. Her head was full of the thoughts of spending the day with her mother and the mystery of the invisible school friend stepped out in the background. 

 

After the morning conversation with her mother Clarke couldn’t fall asleep or just take a nap and she didn’t actually want to. To avoid the thoughts about the time alone with Abby she decided to study. She was supposed to learn a new chemistry topic that day and Clarke didn’t want to miss anything. The girl made the notes from the student book in her notebook and copied some formulas to figure out how those reactions were working. After that she couldn’t stop writing other reactions trying different combinations of chemicals to find the right one and forgetting about the world around her. When Abigail suddenly appeared behind Clarke’s back, she saw her daughter in the mess of numerous papers with formulas written on them.  
“I don’t mean to offend you, but in this case copper oxide won’t react like that,” Abigail tried to sound soft, but Clarke jumped up on the chair not hearing her mother coming in anyway.  
Griffin felt like a child who was caught next to the broken vase. She didn’t want to seem stupid in front of anyone, but especially in front of her mother who always was her role model as a scientist. Surely Abigail had a PhD in chemistry, but Clarke wasn’t an average student either. She couldn’t stand looking like that in her mother’s eyes. Staying calm and cold the girl removed the papers to clear her desk and got up from the chair facing her mother.  
“Do we already need to go?” she asked with indifference in her voice and saw how her mother’s face was changing.  
“Yeah, leaving the house in half an hour,” the woman succumbed to the Clarke’s cold pressure, repeated her daughter’s tone, and after that left the room.  
Clarke didn’t feel guilty or satisfaction of her victory. Although it was one of the moments she broke her mother’s heart, the girl was sure that it was a casual unemotional conversations and there were more like that one to have that day.

 

Wearing a teal dress that she had worn about two times in two years Griffin went to celebrate her seventeenth birthday with her mother. It was another hot day in California and since the summer was coming closer Clarke was aware it would’ve gotten really hot, much hotter than that, soon. The people in the street looked like they were pretty comfortable with that kind of weather while Clarke wanted to take off not only her dress, but her own skin to cool the body from the hot air that was so heavy that the girl could taste the send in her mouth. Getting out of the car Clarke felt like she was a part of thaat city for the first time. She was one of those people she had treated as weirdoes in her mind when she just moved to LA just because they were wearing the light comfortable clothes instead of the ones that people in New York were wearing. After spending some time in the damn desert with an ocean she started to understand Californians better. They all were just people after all. The restaurant they were going to took place on the pretty crowded noisy street where the air was full of exhaust fumes and Chinese food smells. If Clarke would’ve closed the eyes and forgotten about the heat she could’ve felt like she was back in New York again, but her eyes were opened and she could see the buildings in front of her being lower than in New York and palms were there instead of the trees she used to see in her hometown.  
“We can take a walk before if you want to,” Abigail noticed that her daughter was looking around with curiosity.  
Her mother’s voice sobered Clarke up. She made a breath letting that disgusting air in her lungs and faced the woman.  
“No, it stinks and I want to eat,” it seemed that Clarke was trying to ruin their relationship intentionally when she was just too stubborn and too scared deep inside to act another way.  
Abby nodded and followed her daughter to the door with the name “Dragon Sticks” on it. When they came in the cool room with darkened windows and a good conditioner, a pretty girl with dark hair headed to them preventing from entering the next room that seemed to be a big hall in Japanese style.  
“I’ve booked a table for two earlier. Abigail Michaelson,” the woman asked politely coming closer to the hostess.  
While the girl was searching for the name in the list Clarke was processing the information she just heard. Her mother had changed the last name and Clarke found out it after all those years she had spent remembering her mother as Abigail Griffin. Surely it was understandable to change the last name after the divorce and take the old one or maybe a new one to finally separate from the ex-husband, but is it truth that her mother wanted to leave the family so much that she even had got rid of their family last name? And whose was that last name? Maybe Abigail was married to some man and her husband was in the business trip or somewhere else. There were so many ideas in Clarke’s head and every each one of them was pulling her further and further from the trust. How could she ever trust her mother when she hadn’t even known her last name? She had been in her mind for too long because when she returned to Earth they already were sitting at the table and Abigail was asking Griffin something. Funny fact: Clarke was the last Griffin alive. She felt a burden on her shoulders when she thought of being the last one to have Jake Griffin’s last name. He wasn’t a great scientist or a popular movie start, but she was a good man and a great father and having that surname meant a lot to Clarke. It was a connection with him, with their family, the only connection that was left after he had died.  
“Why did you change your last name?” she decided to cut to the chase speaking her mind desperately looking right in her mother’s eyes.  
It seemed that she was talking too loud because people turned around looking at them and Abigail had to show them that it was alright by awkwardly smiling.  
“I- Your father and I got divorced because I couldn’t be with him anymore, Clarke. It’s totally okay to change the surname after divorce,” she was talking calmly, but her voice didn’t sound convincing to anyone as she didn’t believe her own words.  
“No,” the girl shook her head pressing the lips in a line. “You didn’t answer the question.”  
The woman sighed and interlocked her fingers expressing the nervousness.  
“What do you want to hear Clarke?” Abigail tried to keep it under control, but she almost gave up because nothing was going the way she wanted it to. Clarke was exactly like her, as stubborn as she was, and Abigail knew better than anyone that Clarke would’ve got what she wanted. There was a pain in her eyes that got older with ages. Maybe even too old for a woman in her 40s. Those eyes were watered with tears no matter how hard she tried to stay strong. It was a mental pain that felt almost like physical and maybe even stronger. Clarke wasn’t the only one to feel it. And Clarke wasn’t even the one to feel the kind of pain her mother was feeling although it was better for her. Abigail’s pain was unbearable.  
“I left the family and it was my decision. To left Jake, to left you,” Abigail’s voice waved when she said her ex-husband’s name out loud. Clarke made a deep breath trying to calm down after the name she had heard. “I wanted to do it, it was my choice. I didn’t have a right to have your father’s last name, Clarke.”  
Griffin spotted the tear coming down her mother’s cheek that was covered with little wrinkles.  
“You could stay,” there was more pressure in the girl’s voice than she expected. “You could’ve stayed in New York, worked there and lived with us. You could’ve been my mother, could’ve saved him, damn it!” Clarke felt a rage in her heart that was hidden there frozen all that time. She held it under control keeping her voice quiet, but cruel and strong like an executioner. It was the role she was playing at that moment. The line between an executioner and executed was too blurry and Clarke could never be the one without being another.  
“I couldn’t have,” the woman whispered. She couldn’t hold the tears that were coming from her eyes like a rain on the dry skin of her face. And it didn’t have any impact on her daughter who seemed like she didn’t believe her mother to experience that pain for real.  
“Then you can’t be my mother,” Clarke shot her mother’s heart with a bullet made of ice. She was offended and confused and she felt like she could do anything and Abigail didn’t deserve her sympathy. However, she didn’t want to tell her anything anymore. She didn’t even want to see her.  
She got up and left the restaurant being sure that Abby would follow her. Hearing the steps behind her she pursed the lips and went faster passing by the old couple. Clarke was already on the beach when she turned around prepared to tell the woman who would be begging her to stay to leave her alone. It wasn’t Abigail. The woman who was going behind her passed Clarke by being confused by that epic turn around. The girl felt guilt for the first time when she looked around and realized that her mother hadn’t followed her.  
She hid the guilt somewhere deep inside and stepped in the warm sand. Clarke decided to take a walk along the ocean to calm her nerves down. She was looking at all those happy people who were spending time with their family and friends. Somebody was skateboarding on the ramp, somebody was trying to get tanned, somebody was playing the volleyball, somebody was playing frisbee, somebody was reading and somebody was listening to the music. Beach in Santa Monica was the place that was bringing together all different people at the same time just to have some fun and relax and Clarke felt alien. She was unhappy and lonely and she was ruining the whole conception of that place by trying to ground her negative emotions in the sand that belonged to people who didn’t feel that anger for their mothers just to get back to neutrality and live with Abigail together until she was 18.  
She spent some more time in the beach and then got back to the pavement world when she finally stopped feeling that anger she had before. There was that damn sand everywhere in her hair and skin and she wanted to go to the shower as soon as she could. Clarke remembered how to get to that restaurant and she was walking a little bit slower than usual to take more time to think how to play that situation with Abigail so Clarke wouldn’t have said sorry. She knew she couldn’t say it and her mother wouldn’t have made her.  
When the blonde girl finally reached the “Dragon Sticks” she checked twice if it was the right place because it looked different. In front of the door she had entered about an hour ago there was a crowd of reporters from local channels and police officers who tried to get rid of them. Clarke’s heartbeat went faster when she saw the one who was in the center of all that. Two officers were dragging her mother although she didn’t try to resist and the journalists were yelling some things to her that Clarke couldn’t understand. While Clarke was watching the action in shock her mother was trying to get her attention and officers noticed it. Reporters were the fastest and the first to appear in front of Clarke with numerous questions when the man in uniform pushed them away to clear his way to Clarke. She was so overwhelmed that she didn’t resist when he took her in the car. She was feeling a freezing cold for the first time since she moved to LA.


End file.
